Sabotage

24 01 2010

Warning: The following post may be a bit depressing, but it is REAL.

Webster’s dictionary defines sabotage as “any undermining of a cause”.

Simply stated, my ’cause’ is the Half Marathon I’ve been training for over the past 12 weeks.  My poor eating habits and lack of water intake is my ‘sabotage’.    I have not met my daily water requirement once this week but have drank enough coffee/tea to float a boat.  I have eaten more than enough chocolate chip cookies and meals that involved red meat to make my performance this morning less than ideal.  Much less.  At mile 5 I knew I was in trouble.  No wait that’s wrong,  I kinda knew I was in trouble before my run started….   my head was NOT in the game.   Mile 9 was walked while fighting back tears.

Something happened this week,  a story that is not uncommon these days.  We hear about it on the news or know people that have been personally affected but most times it’s ‘them not us’ and we go about our day.   This past Tuesday it became ‘me not them’ and I lost my job.  The sole provider for myself and my 3 children and I find myself out of work.  I have mixed emotions about this as I have been in the Mortgage industry for 25 years now.  I started when I was 19 by accepting a good paying job and figured I’d do that until I figured out what I wanted to do….. that day never came and I just kept on doing what I knew.  Never really happy with that career and working for a poorly run company that didn’t care one single bit about me or any other employee I prayed daily for an out.  Well, that day came.   Because my prayers were so specific “get me out” I have to believe that this was an answer to that prayer, while at the same time I feel scared.  Scared because I know I cannot go back to that.  But that is all I’ve ever done.  Now I need to figure out what I really want to do and make that happen… finding yourself isn’t any easier at 44 than it was as 19.

I haven’t cried but at mile 8 today I felt the need to cry… I think I will feel better if I do but at the same time I feel like I need to be strong and put on that happy face.  It’s hard.

So with all that said.  Today is the day that I will plan for my week and get my diet/water in check.  This I can control and I will.  I will break out the ole Thrive and bury my nose in it and refresh my memory.  This I can handle.

I apologize for the depressing post, I honestly thought that maybe it would be better saved for the Journal…but the emotion and the words come out quicker on a keyboard and I really needed to get them out…. for those that are still reading, Thank you.

Onwards and upwards my friends….

xoxo

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3 responses

24 01 2010
Cindy

I am glad you shared your feelings. It’s all necessary for healing and growth. You can’t hide behind a happy cheery post and pretend life is easy right now! SHARE and you never know who you may be helping or even what you might get back!

I know this all is happening for some good cosmic reason, and you better fitting job is waiting for you!
19 years is a LONG time to be doing something day in and day out for the check and not for your heart.

I SHOULD KNOW
gotta big hug heading your way…sometime around TUESDAY
and YES YES YES…just look at that sky! It’s a gorgeous day and I am inside knitting!
duh
xo

25 01 2010
fitandfortysomething

Oh Berni!

Thank you for sharing what has happened. I appreciate your honesty. You will find something better I know it. Starting over is NOT easy anytime you do it but you must feel there is a reason this has happened-a move towards something even better for you. I know it and I can feel it.

Please know your fellow Pisces is here for you. We hurt easily but we come out stronger than before!

Kalli

30 01 2010
Shari B.

Oh Berni,
I’m SO sorry to hear about your job. That’s terrible news. I can’t even imagine how scary that must be when y ou are the sole provider. You are a talented woman and I am SURE that a company will scoop you up in no time, especially when they see the level of loyalty you had to your previous employer.

I can totally relate on the ‘not doing what you want’ for a long time – I keep ending up in the same type of jobs because it’s what I KNOW and what I have experience at, but I really can’t stand the work. 😦

I hope you find something that makes you TRULY happy AND pays the bills!

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